Places You’ve Left Your Water Bottle, and Whether You Can Get It Back

On the checkout counter at R.E.I., the day you purchased it.
Can you get it back? Yeah, but we all saw.

In the cup holder of a treadmill at the gym.
Can you get it back? In theory, but that one spandex guy is there today and he’s making wet little groans.

On an airplane, squished between two seats.
Can you get it back? It’s in Toronto and has a completely new identity now, eh.

In the care of Emily Post.
Can you get it back? No, you may not.

At your ex’s house.
Can you get it back? His new girlfriend is currently sipping a fitness beverage from it. . . . Up to you.

At a dinner party where you pontificated about the ills of single-use plastic.
Can you get it back? Fuck you, dude.

In the cup holder of your car, even though you swore you already checked there.
Can you get it back? Sure. It’s next to those loose nuts you keep “for emergencies.”

In the “I’ll have what she’s having” scene of “When Harry Met Sally.”
Can you get it back? Yes! Yes! Oh, YES!

In a nightmare in which you were being chased by the Kool-Aid Man.
Can you get it back? Oh, yeah.

In a nightmare in which you were being chased by the Kool-Aid Man through the Australian outback.
Can you get it back? Oh, naur.

In a nightmare in which your body was just a giant purple thumb and you had no mouth with which to drink, so you poured the water into your enormous nostril.
Can you get it back? You good?

Behind these hazel eyes.
Can you get it back? Here it is, once again, torn into pieces.* Can’t deny it. Can’t pretend. It thought you were the one. Broken up.** Deep inside. But you won’t get to see the tears it cries.

*Technically, because you purchased the model made of self-insulating B.P.A.-free Damascus steel with a two-year warranty, you are entitled to a replacement water bottle at any R.E.I. if you can present your receipt.

**You threw out the receipt immediately.

In an alternate life that you failed to self-actualize.
Can you get it back? Not with that attitude!

In the clenched fist of a world-champion bottle-holder at the Bottle-Holding Olympics in Sofia, Bulgaria.
Can you get it back? She crushed it.

Within a riddle about object permanence.
Can you get it back? It can get you back, but only if it slices you in two and climbs through you like a window.

Somewhere you can’t recall, on a day when it really, really needed you.
Can you get it back? You’re a monster.